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"Desperate Housewives: Live Alone and Like It (#1.19)" (2005)
Bree: Andrew, you remember Reverend Sikes, don't you?
Andrew Van De Kamp: Oh, come on.
Bree: Um, Reverend, why don't you, um, have seat, and I will get some refreshments?
[the reverend sits down at the dining room table where Andrew is sitting and Rex is pouring wine]
Reverend Sikes: Ah. So, Andrew, it's been a long time.
Andrew Van De Kamp: Yes. Yes, it has.
Bree: Would you like some water? I have flat or bubbly.
Reverend Sikes: Oh, bubbly, please. So, your mother tells me you've started having some sexual desires for other boys.
[Andrew stares at his mother who smiles back lovingly. Andrew looks at the wine]
Andrew Van De Kamp: I don't suppose I could get some of that.
Rex Van De Kamp: I'm gonna need every drop.

Reverend Sikes: And over the years, we've had so many young people come to our ministry hating themselves for their unnatural desires, and within a few months, they've found an inner peace and a tranquility that is nothing short of miraculous.
Bree Van De Kamp: Oh.
[Bree reaches over and touches Andrew's arm. Andrew smiles back at his mother]
Reverend Sikes: And all it takes is a little faith and a desire to change.
Andrew Van De Kamp: I'm sorry, but I, I really don't want to talk about my sex life.
Bree Van De Kamp: Well, that's just too bad, because this needs to be discussed.
Reverend Sikes: Bree, please, let the boy speak. Go on.
Andrew Van De Kamp: Well, I appreciate your offer to help. I do. But I don't hate myself. So, I'm good.
Reverend Sikes: Son, I know what it's like to be a teenager. It's a very confusing time.
Andrew Van De Kamp: I'm not confused. I know exactly who I am.

Bree Van De Kamp: Reverend, I don't mean to criticize, but it sounds like you're giving up.
Reverend Sikes: Well, we can't force him on the path of righteousness. He himself has got to want to make the journey.
Bree Van De Kamp: Well, then, what do we do, just stand by while he starts dating boys?
[to Andrew]
Bree Van De Kamp: And by the way, the correct word is not "gay." It's "sodomy."
Rex Van De Kamp: We're in the middle of dinner.
Bree Van De Kamp: So?
Rex Van De Kamp: So, can you at least wait until desert before calling our son a sodomite?
Bree Van De Kamp: How you can sit there and be so casual is beyond me.
Rex Van De Kamp: For starters, I knew this dinner was a bad idea the moment you suggested it.
Bree Van De Kamp: Well, at least I'm trying to be pro-active!
Reverend Sikes: Please, there's no need to get upset.
Bree Van De Kamp: I am upset because there is a problem here and no-one seems to notice it but me.
Rex Van De Kamp: As far as I'm concerned, if Andrew is happy with who he is, then it is our job to support him!
[brief silence]
Bree Van De Kamp: [to Andrew] Your father is into S&M.
Rex Van De Kamp: Bree!
Bree Van De Kamp: He makes me beat him with a riding crop and I let him. It's no wonder you're perverted. Look who your parents are.
[Bree gets up and leaves]
Rex Van De Kamp: Excuse me.
[Rex leaves too]
Andrew Van De Kamp: [to Reverend Sikes] What a fun night. You know, we should really do this again sometime.

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"Desperate Housewives: My Heart Belongs to Daddy (#2.4)" (2005)
[George has dinner with the Van De Kamps]
Andrew Van De Kamp: So, George, can I ask you a question? And it's kind of personal.
George Williams: Sure.
Andrew Van De Kamp: Have you ever actually been with a woman?
George Williams: [chuckling] Excuse me?
Andrew Van De Kamp: Well, let's be honest. I think it's obvious by the way that you talk and act that you're not a player, so I was just curious to find out if you had ever actually gotten in the game.
George Williams: My experience with women is none of your business.
Andrew Van De Kamp: Oh, I think it is. I mean, you're dating my mom. And we both know that at your age, dating's a little more than just holding hands.
George Williams: We're not dating exactly.
Andrew Van De Kamp: Oh, sure you are. And you know what? I think it's great. But I wanna make sure my mom's happy, you know, and it would really set my mind at ease to know that she's with a guy that knows how to please a lady.
George Williams: This is inappropriate.
Andrew Van De Kamp: You know, my parents had a great sex life. Man, I heard 'em through the wall of my bedroom once.
George Williams: Please shut up.
Andrew Van De Kamp: You should've heard my mom, too. She had this... this weird moan. It was kind of like, um...
[Andrew makes a moan that's followed by an unh!]
Andrew Van De Kamp: Isn't that bizarre? That's the sound my mom makes when she climaxes.
[a dumbfounded George looks at Andrew while Bree and Danielle enter with cobblers]
Bree Van De Kamp: Okay, time for cobbler. Sorry, one of the dessert plates doesn't match. I tried to replace it, but it's Spode Florence. It's a rare pattern. It belonged to my grandmother. But hopefully once you taste the dessert, you'll forget all about it.
George Williams: I'm not hungry.
Bree Van De Kamp: George, you have to have this. It's absolutely scrumptious.
[Bree takes a bite]
Bree Van De Kamp: Mmm. Mmm!
[George looks from Bree to Andrew, who points to Bree and mouths "That's it." George slams his fist and stands up]
George Williams: Go to your room!

Andrew Van De Kamp: Isn't that weird? That's the sound my mom makes when she climaxes!

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"Desperate Housewives: Impossible (#1.15)" (2005)
[Susan finds Andrew and Justin naked in a pool]
Andrew Van De Kamp: I'm not... I'm not gay.

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"Desperate Housewives: Nice She Ain't (#3.5)" (2006)
Andrew Van De Kamp: She tried to slit her wrists with a spoon. Next time she might jump off the porch.

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"Desperate Housewives: Welcome to Kanagawa (#4.10)" (2008)
Andrew Van De Kamp: Mom, I'm gonna take these bowls to the kitchen...
Bree: Oh! thanks, dear.
Andrew Van De Kamp: With you... What are you doing?
Bree: Oh, I'm trying to stay out of the way of all the sparks that are flying...
Andrew Van De Kamp: Sparks? The man is twice my age.
Bree: Yes, but he's also... he's got a great sense of... OK, do you know how hard it is to get a good contractor?
Andrew Van De Kamp: Oh my God.
Bree: And poor Walter just had his heart broken, so if it takes you being nice to hime to have our house fixed...
Andrew Van De Kamp: You're pimping me out for a new roof?
Bree: And windows... and I'm not pimping you out, I'm simply asking you to show some kindness to a lonely man who happens to be an excellent roofer.
Andrew Van De Kamp: Look, if by kindness you mean sex...
Bree: Watch your mouth, I would never suggest that. You can raise a man's hopes without satisfying them, I've done it all my life. Andrew, I have got to get back into my house, and you're my only hope.
Andrew Van De Kamp: Fine, for you I'll flirt, I'll flatter and I'll charm.
Bree: Bless you...
Andrew Van De Kamp: And in exchange... I expect a 60-inch flat-screen TV.
Bree: Fine. And if you can get him to come on time and under budget, I'll throw in surround sound.

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"Desperate Housewives: Could I Leave You? (#2.17)" (2006)
Bree: Well, I'm still appalled that you're helping my son with this ridiculous emancipation scheme, but you are a guest in my house and guests get sandwiches.
Andrew Van De Kamp: You know, if you'd let me go to his office, you wouldn't have to pretend to be nice to him.
Bree: Andrew, there may be a judge out there stupid enough to emancipate you, but until you find him, I retain all my parental rights. One of which is to ground your sorry behind until kingdom come. Mr. Bormanis, nice to see you again, and, um, please don't get crumbs on my carpet.

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"Desperate Housewives: There Is No Other Way (#2.16)" (2006)
Bree: Perception is reality, Andrew. And if people perceive me to have a drinking problem, then I do. And I certainly don't want some idiotic judge using my hobby as an excuse to make you rich. So I'm simply going to give up my wine and become a recovering alcoholic.
Andrew Van De Kamp: Good plan, but it'll never work. See, I'll bet you still end up coming to court hammered.
Bree: Oh, Andrew, you don't think I love you enough to give up alcohol?
Andrew Van De Kamp: Look, I'm seventeen, all right? So, you can only keep me here for another year. Why not just let me go?
Bree: Because I'm not done with you yet. It's my job to teach you and you are not half the man I know you can be.
Andrew Van De Kamp: Yeah, well, I got news for you. This is as good as I'm gonna get.
Bree: If I really thought that, I'd get a gun right now and kill us both.

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"Desperate Housewives: Don't Look at Me (#2.19)" (2006)
Andrew Van De Kamp: Well, could you live with a woman who hits you?
Eleanor Mason: Bree!
Bree: Oh, I slapped him once and he deserved it!
Andrew Van De Kamp: I just asked her to stop drinking.
Henry Mason: You were drinking?
Eleanor Mason: She's in A.A. Her sponsor has long hair.
Bree: Andrew, I find your concern ironic given how tanked you were when you ran over our neighbor's mother with your car!
Eleanor Mason: Is she okay?!
Bree: She's dead!
Andrew Van De Kamp: Well, mom watched as her boyfriend committed suicide. And he was the same guy who killed dad!
Bree: Andrew falsely accused me of molestation...in a mall!

Preston Scavo Quotes+ +

"Desperate Housewives: Love Is in the Air (#1.14)" (2005)
Karen McCluskey: How old are your boys anyway?
[Preston and Porter look at each other]
Porter Scavo: We're six.
Karen McCluskey: [turns to Parker] And you?
Parker Scavo: Five.
Karen McCluskey: Wow. Your mom just pops them out, doesn't she?
Preston Scavo: How old are you?
Karen McCluskey: How old do you think?
Porter Scavo: 150.

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"Desperate Housewives: Pilot (#1.1)" (2004)
Lynette: Now listen to me, you are going to behave. I will not be humiliated in front of the entire neighborhood. And just so you know that I'm serious, I am...
[takes a piece of paper out of her pocket]
Porter Scavo: What's that?
Lynette: Santa's cell phone number!
Preston Scavo: How'd you get that?
Lynette: I know someone, who knows someone, who knows an elf. And if any of you acts up, so help me I will call Santa and tell him you want socks for Christmas! All right, are you willing to risk that?

Paul Young Quotes+ +

"Desperate Housewives: One Wonderful Day (#1.23)" (2005)
[after Mary Alice kills Diedre with a knife]
Paul Young: Oh, Mary Alice! What have you done?

[after killing Deidre, Mary Alice brings a toy chest from upstairs]
Paul Young: What are we going to do?
Mary Alice: You said they were pouring the concrete for the pool to mould.
Paul Young: You can't be serious!
Mary Alice: They'll never find her. We can put her in this.
[points to the toy chest]
Paul Young: She wont fit!
Mary Alice: Then we'll have to make her fit!
[Mary Alice starts checking Diedre's arm]
Paul Young: What are you doing?
Mary Alice: Checking for track marks.

[after killing Diedre, Mary Alice brings a toy chest from upstairs]
Paul Young: What are we going to do?
Mary Alice: You said they were pouring the concrete for the pool to mould.
Paul Young: You cant be serious!
Mary Alice: They'll never find her. We can put her in this.
[points to the toy chest]
Paul Young: She wont fit!
Mary Alice: Then we'll have to make her fit!
[Mary Alice starts checking Diedre's arm]
Paul Young: What are you doing?
Mary Alice: Checking for track marks.

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"Desperate Housewives: Don't Look at Me (#2.19)" (2006)
Felicia Tilman: Paul? I was making cookies and I heard the most sickening thud. Are you okay?
Paul Young: There's shortening on my doorstep.
Felicia Tilman: Shortening? That's the last thing you'd want on your front porch. It's meant for baking.

Gabrielle Solis Quotes+ +

"Desperate Housewives: Listen to the Rain on the Roof (#3.1)" (2006)
Gabrielle: Tell it to my Chinese friend, sue me!

Xiao-Mei: [as Gabrielle brings Xiao-Mei her tray of food in bed] Where are my crackers?
Gabrielle: We're out... but I brought you a pickle.
Xiao-Mei: Pickles and soup? Who eats that?
Gabrielle: That's all I've got.
Xiao-Mei: Ever heard of a store?
[throws pickle]
Gabrielle: You did not just do that!
Xiao-Mei: I hate pickles.
Gabrielle: Pick it up!
Xiao-Mei: Doctor say only get up to pee... better for baby. Remember?
Gabrielle: [picks up pickle and starts walking away]
Xiao-Mei: Don't go! I need you to rub my feet... they're sore. And doctor say...
Gabrielle: Oh cut it out Xiao-Mei the doctor didn't say anything about rubbing your chubby stumps! Rub them yourself.
Xiao-Mei: You treat me like dirt.
Gabrielle: Would you rather be living with Mr.Solis? In a dingy, one bedroom apartment with no air conditioning and no cable? Huh? No!... didn't think so.
Xiao-Mei: You are meanest person I know.
Gabrielle: I am "the" meanest person. You've been in this country a year, modify your nouns, dammit!
Xiao-Mei: What "a" bitch.
Gabrielle: I can't wait for you to pop out that baby, cause when you do I'm putting you on the first plane back to Shang Hi and you're gonna be on all fours and a rice patty before the epidural wears off!
Xiao-Mei: But you promise to get me apartment in Chinatown so I can work for my friend and restaurant; start a new life!
Gabrielle: Tell that to my Chiniese friend...”sue me!"

Xiao-Mei: You are meanest person I know!
Gabrielle: I am THE meanest person you know. You've been in this country a year, modify your nouns, dammit.

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"Desperate Housewives: Could I Leave You? (#2.17)" (2006)
Carlos: Oh, my god. Are you trying to say that you don't want Deanna's baby because she's plain?
Gabrielle: No, plain I can handle. Carlos, since that woman has walked into our house, the clocks have stopped working.
Carlos: No one can predict what a child is gonna look like. For all you know, her kid could end up winning beauty contests.
Gabrielle: With her D.N.A., the only thing that kid's gonna be winning is best in show.

Eugene Beale: Libby's a pole dancer in a strip club.
Gabrielle: Oh! Wow, that, that sounds like interesting work.
Libby: You'd think so, but it gets old quickly. My big dream is to become a choreographer.
Carlos: Really?
Libby: Yeah. I made up this one move. It's called the serpent's tongue, and all the girls at the club are doing it now. It's so cool. If I had a pole I could show you.
Carlos: Well, we'll have to go down to the club and check that out. We'll make a night of it.

Carlos: That was our lawyer. Libby rejected us as parents.
Gabrielle: Why?
Gabrielle: What? That's discrimination. It's illegal. We could have her arrested.
Carlos: It's her baby. She can do whatever the hell she wants to with it. Damn it.
Gabrielle: No! No, you don't just toss people aside because of the color of their skin.
Carlos: We tossed those birth mothers aside because of their appearance.
Gabrielle: Well, that's different.
Carlos: Why?
Gabrielle: Because I've read the constitution and it does not protect ugly people.

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"Desperate Housewives: Everybody Says Don't (#2.18)" (2006)
Carlos: I sure hope Libby likes this camera.
Gabrielle: Well, why wouldn't she? It's exactly what she asked for, the most expensive one in the store. You know, I'm telling you, Carlos. I'm getting really tired of kissing her ass.
Carlos: The woman is giving us her baby. We'll kiss whatever needs kissing.
Libby: What the hell are you guys doing here?
Carlos: Ah, we brought you this gift and you said that you didn't want us coming by your house...
Libby: Thanks, but I'm working, so you gotta go.
Gabrielle: Look, we spent a lot of money on that. The least you can do is open it so we can bask in your happy expression.

Gabrielle: We were supposed to have four weeks. She promised me the baby wasn't due for four more weeks. We don't have anything! We don't, we don't have diapers, and we don't have the stuff babies drink.
Lynette: Formula.
Gabrielle: Exactly. We're not ready! You know, this is a total inconvenience.
Lynette: Welcome to parenthood. Come on.

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"Desperate Housewives: You Could Drive a Person Crazy (#2.2)" (2005)
[Carlos is upset because a fellow inmate is threatening to beat him up if he doesn't give him $7,000, and Gabby doesn't want him to pay]
Gabrielle: You're a strong guy. You went to college on an athletic scholarship, for God's sake!
Carlos: Yeah, it was for golf!
Gabrielle: Oh...

Gabrielle: Why are all rich men such jerks?
Carlos: The same reason why all beautiful women are bitches.

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"Desperate Housewives: One Wonderful Day (#1.23)" (2005)
[as he dresses for court in prison]
Carlos: Beating up a second gay guy looks bad.
Gabrielle: Yes, well, Carlos, in some circles, beating people up at all is frowned upon.

Carlos: Now they think I'm some kind of serial gay basher.
Gabrielle: Well...
[holds up police sketch]
Gabrielle: You kind of are.

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"Desperate Housewives: The Little Things You Do Together (#3.15)" (2007)
Carlos Solis: [after Gaby told Carlos she assumed she had sex with Zach] I can't believe you bagged another neighbourhood kid!
Gabrielle Solis: [Carlos walks away] Where are you going?
Carlos Solis: To warn the Scavo boys!

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"Desperate Housewives: What Would We Do Without You? (#3.22)" (2007)
Susan Mayer: Getting married is scary, but at least we'll be doing it together.
Gabrielle Solis: Oh my God! We should totally do that!
Susan Mayer: What?
Gabrielle Solis: Get married! Together!
Susan Mayer: You and me? Well... I'm beyond flattered. I find you to be an incredibly attractive woman. I just...
Gabrielle Solis: No, stupid! I mean a double wedding!
Susan Mayer: Oh... Oh! I would love that!
Gabrielle Solis: I know! Then you wouldn't be mad, and I wouldn't feel guilty.
Susan Mayer: And we could be brides together!
Gabrielle Solis: Together! Let's celebrate! More chocolate! And, just you know, if I was a lesbian, I'd totally do you.
Susan Mayer: That's good to know.

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"Desperate Housewives: Fear No More (#1.20)" (2005)
Father Crowley: You're pregnant?
Gabrielle: Yes, and it's impossible. I'm on the pill which I know you probably think is a sin but it's a 99.9% effective sin.
Father Crowley: Maybe its in the .1% that God resides.
Gabrielle: You just couldn't wait to throw that in, could you?

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"Desperate Housewives: There Is No Other Way (#2.16)" (2006)
Carlos: Gaby, these pictures have to be wholesome. They gotta say 'these people will do a great job raising a child.
Gabrielle: So?
Carlos: So, you're topless.
Gabrielle: Yeah, but it's St. Barts and your hands are covering my naughty parts.
Carlos: Do you mean the hand that's holding the tequila shot, or the one that's holding the Cuban cigar?
Gabrielle: Yeah, that was a good trip.

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"Desperate Housewives: Thank You So Much (#2.15)" (2006)
Carlos: [about Gabrielle's mother] I think your hatred for her is clouding your judgment.
Gabrielle: Maybe, but you don't know her like I do.
Carlos: Okay. You ran away from home fifteen years ago. Did you ever think to talk to her about the stuff that happened between you and your step-dad?
Gabrielle: It wouldn't have done any good.
Carlos: How do you know that?
Gabrielle: Because she knew exactly what was going on with Alejandro and she chose to look the other way.
Carlos: But you never even gave her a chance to step up. You just ran away from home.
Gabrielle: [in tears] Because if I did, then she, we, there was a chance she wouldn't have believed me, and, and that would've hurt a lot worse than anything he ever did to me.

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"Desperate Housewives: Don't Look at Me (#2.19)" (2006)
Carlos: You wanna be a better mother? Do what my mama did, make sacrifices. My mama worked her fingers to the bone for me.
Gabrielle: That's what put her in an early grave. Well, that and the hit and run thing.

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"Desperate Housewives: Children and Art (#3.8)" (2006)
Adventure Scout Girl: [Approaches Gabrielle on the front porch] Hi. What if I told you that there was a way to help children, while reading your favorite magazines at a reduced price? Would you be interested?
Gabrielle: [as she continues to file her nails] Sure. Knock yourself out.
Adventure Scout Girl: Wise choice.
[Reading from her clipboard]
Adventure Scout Girl: For the lady of the house, there's Redbook, Glamour, Vogue...
[Pronounces it "vo-gew"]
Gabrielle: [Pronouncing it correctly] I believe that's Vogue, Sweetheart.
Adventure Scout Girl: Really? Are you sure?
Gabrielle: I should know. I was on the front cover.
Adventure Scout Girl: [Stunned] No. Way.
Gabrielle: Uh, way.
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"Desperate Housewives: Come Play Wiz Me (#3.13)" (2007)
Zack Young: You said I could kiss you!
Gabrielle Solis: Yes, my lips not my oesophagus!
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"Desperate Housewives: God, That's Good (#3.19)" (2007)
Gabrielle: [after getting breakfast] Breakfast is served. Get em' their hot!
Victor Lang: Marry me?
Gabrielle: They're only toaster waffles.

Susan Mayer Quotes+ +

Susan Mayer: Marriage is like these bonbons. You never know what you're getting until you're right in the middle of it.
[Susan breaks open one bonbon chocolate]
Susan Mayer: [gasps] It's one of those hard jelly ones. Do you think that's an omen?

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"Desperate Housewives: Could I Leave You? (#2.17)" (2006)
Dr. Ron McCreadie: You committed insurance fraud?
Susan: Only in a legal sense.

Susan: I need you to ditch Edie tomorrow night and have dinner with Dr. Ron and me.
Karl: Now why would I do that?
Susan: Well, for starters, because you banged your secretary and you owe me for the rest of your life.
Karl: I'll bring the wine.

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"Desperate Housewives: Bang (#3.7)" (2006)
Susan Mayer: [using speakerphone] "Release Julie and I will take her place. I repeat, release Julie. I will be a model hostage...”
Julie Mayer: [sighs]

Julie Mayer: You know I wouldn't steal!
Susan Mayer: I'd like to believe you, but drinking beer? Bringing home boys?
Austin Britt: And next thing you know she'll be listening to that rock music everyone's talking about.

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"Desperate Housewives: Everybody Says Don't (#2.18)" (2006)
Susan: I was married to Karl, and I used to try to surprise him, and he would always, always, always say 'No, Susan. Don't surprise me. I don't like it.
Edie: Whatever. I'm doing it, so keep your trap shut. Now if you'll excuse me, I've gotta go and buy a wedding dress. Oh, and by the way, I'll be wearing white, so that'll be a surprise for everybody.

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"Desperate Housewives: Ah, But Underneath (#1.2)" (2004)
[after reading the blackmail note]
Susan: Oh, Mary Alice, what did you do?

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"Desperate Housewives: Nice She Ain't (#3.5)" (2006)
Susan: How do you sleep at night?
Edie: Soon... with Mike on top of me.

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"Desperate Housewives: Getting Married Today (#3.23)" (2007)
Susan: My idea of the perfect wedding keeps changing. One day I want white roses and then I want lilies... only one thing stays constant - and I'm looking at him. Why would I need anything else to make my wedding perfect?

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"Desperate Housewives: God, That's Good (#3.19)" (2007)
Susan Mayer: Did I mention that Maggie is an amazing chef? We're embarrassed to be cooking for her.
Maggie Gilroy: Stop. So, um, Mike, do you have a favorite type of cuisine?
Mike Delfino: Nah. After three months of prison food, everything tastes good to me.
Maggie Gilroy: So you were in prison?
Susan Mayer: He was totally innocent.
Mike Delfino: Yeah, a woman was bludgeoned to death, and her blood wound up on my wrench.
Maggie Gilroy: Oh, my god.
Susan Mayer: But he was cleared. All charges dropped. Here. Eat this.
[She shoves an hors d'oeuvre into his mouth]
Maggie Gilroy: It's just so awful. I mean, to go to jail for a crime you didn't commit.
Mike Delfino: Oh, it was just a few months. Now my first stretch for manslaughter... that was brutal.
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"Desperate Housewives: It Wasn't Meant to Happen (#2.20)" (2006)
Lynette: Karl broke up with Edie.
Susan: Oh my God!
Bree: Yeah, apparently he was seeing someone.
Susan: Really? Did he say who it is?
Edie: I know who she is. She's a man-eating, scum-sucking ho bag!
Bree: [Pause] No, he did not say.

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"Desperate Housewives: Next (#2.1)" (2005)
Bree: I cannot afford to break down right now.
Susan: Why not?
Bree: [Rex's mother pulls up] You'll see why in a moment.

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"Desperate Housewives: There Is No Other Way (#2.16)" (2006)
Nurse Ruth Ann Heisel: Time to check your blood pressure.
Susan: Oh, sure. Oh, that's a little tight. Does it have to be that tight?
Nurse Ruth Ann Heisel: Yes.
Susan: Oh. Okay. Ow, ow. That's actually starting to be painful.
Nurse Ruth Ann Heisel: Really? That surprises me. I just assumed you were dead inside.

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"Desperate Housewives: Liaisons (#3.18)" (2007)
Edie Britt: No man respects an easy conquest. I make all my men wait.
Susan Mayer: It's true, she has a little room with magazines and an aquarium.
Edie Britt: I have so missed our friendship.
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"Desperate Housewives: The Game (#4.3)" (2007)
Susan Mayer: When our babies go to college, we'll be like...
Bree Van De Kamp: Dead?

Tom Scavo Quotes+ +

"Desperate Housewives: My Heart Belongs to Daddy (#2.4)" (2005)
Tom: The kids would benefit from having two stay-at-home parents. Although buying food might become an issue.

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"Desperate Housewives: Silly People (#2.14)" (2006)
Ed Ferrara: So, the pig actually eats the bacon?
Tom Scavo: Uh, huh, yeah.
Ed Ferrara: I don't see the client doing a happy dance over the whole cannibalism theme.
Lynette Scavo: Well, Tom, why don't you pitch him the other idea you came up with last night. You know the one where people love bacon so much they want to keep it a secret.
Ed Ferrara: What like a secret underground society of bacon eaters?
Tom Scavo: More like my college fraternity, where, you know, everybody wanted in, but we only took the coolest guys.
Ed Ferrara: You were Greek?
Tom Scavo: Alpha Tau Omega.
Ed Ferrara: I was Phi Kap.
Tom Scavo: You?
Ed Ferrara: And I don't remember you having to be that cool to pledge ATO.
Tom Scavo: Look, if I had a nickel for every Phi Kap that I tied to a freeway sign.
Ed Ferrara: Scavo, if you were my pledge, I would've made you my bitch.

Danielle Van De Kamp Quotes+ +

"Desperate Housewives: The Little Things You Do Together (#3.15)" (2007)
Danielle Van De Kamp: [shouting to Andrew] I liked you better when you were a psychopath!
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"Desperate Housewives: Suspicious Minds (#1.9)" (2004)
Bree: Danielle! How was school.
Danielle: It was okay.
Bree: Good. Where does Andrew keep his marijuana?

Bree Van De Camp Quotes+ +

"Desperate Housewives: Could I Leave You? (#2.17)" (2006)
Peter McMillian: I'll tell you what. Here's my card and if you ever do have a problem or you just feel like talking, give me a call, okay?
Bree: I know you think I'm kidding myself, but I'm not. I'm nothing like you people. I just don't have a compulsive personality.

Bree: Well, I'm still appalled that you're helping my son with this ridiculous emancipation scheme, but you are a guest in my house and guests get sandwiches.
Andrew Van De Kamp: You know, if you'd let me go to his office, you wouldn't have to pretend to be nice to him.
Bree: Andrew, there may be a judge out there stupid enough to emancipate you, but until you find him, I retain all my parental rights. One of which is to ground your sorry behind until kingdom come. Mr. Bormanis, nice to see you again, and, um, please don't get crumbs on my carpet.

Bree: Tonight was a very unusual situation. I wish you could've known me when Rex was alive and my kids were young and everything was the way it was supposed to be. I think you really would've liked me so much.
Peter McMillian: I like you just fine.
Bree: Really? Because I don't.

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"Desperate Housewives: Pretty Little Picture (#1.3)" (2004)
[at dinner party with all the wives and their partners]
Bree: Rex cries after he ejaculates.

Rex: [having an allergic reaction] You put onions in my salad?
Bree: No, I didn't!
[looks back at table]
Bree: Oh, wait.

[Bree is compulsively fixing a button on Dr. Goldfine's jacket during their session]
Dr. Goldfine: I'm sure Freud would not approve of this.
Bree: Oh, who cares what he thinks. I took psychology in college. We learned all about Freud. A miserable human being.
Dr. Goldfine: What makes you say that?
Bree: Well, think about it. He grew up in the late 1800s. There were no appliances back then. His mother had to do everything by hand, just backbreaking work from sunup to sundown, not to mention the countless other sacrifices she probably had to make to take care of her family. And what does he do? He grows up and becomes famous, peddling a theory that the problems of most adults can be traced back to something awful their mother has done. She must have felt so betrayed. He saw how hard she worked. He saw what she did for him. Did he even ever think to say thank you? I doubt it.

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"Desperate Housewives: Come Play Wiz Me (#3.13)" (2007)
[Bree has found Alma and a passed out Orson in bed together, along with sleeping pills and Viagra]
Bree Van De Kamp: You raped my husband!
Alma Hodge: We made love. And when our baby is born, he's going to come back to me.
Bree Van De Kamp: Baby?
Alma Hodge: It's true. I could be expecting right now.
Bree Van De Kamp: Were you expecting this?
[Bree decks Alma before she calls her house]
Bree Van De Kamp: Andrew, I need you to come over right away. And, um...
[pause]
Bree Van De Kamp: ...bring the wheelbarrow.

Bree: [to Alma] You... RAPED my husband!

Bree: [Bree finds Orson and Alma in bed together] Orson, I have caught you cheating, at least have the courtesy to WAKE UP!

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"Desperate Housewives: Love Is in the Air (#1.14)" (2005)
[watching an S&M video demonstration with Rex]
Bree Van De Kamp: What did your mother do to you?

[Bree has agreed to try "dominating" Rex]
Rex: If things do get too rough, we'll have a control word. If one of us says it, the other backs off immediately.
Bree: Okay. So what's our control word?
Rex: Well, lately I've been using "Philadelphia". What's wrong?
Bree: Well, it's just that my Aunt Fern lives in Philadelphia, and I don't want to be thinking about her while I'm spanking you with a leather strap.
Rex: Okay. Fine. You pick a control word.
Bree: Um, how about "Boise"?
Rex: "Boise"?
Bree: What's the matter with "Boise"?
Rex: We're going to be doing psychological role playing here, Bree, and a funny word like "Boise" would ruin the mood. We need something that sounds serious.
Bree: Hmm.
[sombre tone]
Bree: How about "Palestine"?
Rex: "Boise" will be just fine.

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"Desperate Housewives: Everybody Says Don't (#2.18)" (2006)
Peter McMillian: Sex is as much an addiction for me as booze. That's why when you turn me on like that it's a bit of a problem.
Bree: It was just a peck on the cheek.
Peter McMillian: It doesn't matter. The slightest touch gets my juices flowing.
Bree: So how long has it been since you-
Peter McMillian: A year. They have this rule: plant, pet, person. If I can keep a plant alive, you know, then I can move on to a pet. And if I can make that work, then I can start dating again.
Bree: So, how are you doing?
Peter McMillian: I'm on my fourth ficus.
Bree: Oh.

Donna: You should also know, I'm not a lesbian.
Bree: Oh, well, that's nice for you.

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"Desperate Housewives: It Wasn't Meant to Happen (#2.20)" (2006)
Bree: I think you'd love the opera. The music and the voices, it's just all so passionate.
Peter McMillian: Yeah, three hundred-pound soprano seducing balding tenors. That'd be hot!

Lynette: Karl broke up with Edie.
Susan: Oh my God!
Bree: Yeah, apparently he was seeing someone.
Susan: Really? Did he say who it is?
Edie: I know who she is. She's a man-eating, scum-sucking ho bag!
Bree: [Pause] No, he did not say.

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"Desperate Housewives: Welcome to Kanagawa (#4.10)" (2008)
Bree: [Bree is trying to set Andrew up with their contractor, hinting at him] Oh yes, he just broke up with his life partner, TODD... who he was GAY WITH.

Andrew Van De Kamp: You're pimping me out for a new roof?
Bree: And windows!

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"Desperate Housewives: Next (#2.1)" (2005)
Bree: I cannot afford to break down right now.
Susan: Why not?
Bree: [Rex's mother pulls up] You'll see why in a moment.

Bree Van De Kamp: You are no longer invited to the funeral.
Phyllis Van De Kamp: What?
Reverend Sikes: You're not serious.
Bree Van De Kamp: Oh, yes, I am. I am going to hire security. And those security men are going to have sticks and if you so much as set foot in that sanctuary, they will be instructed to beat you with those sticks.
Reverend Sikes: Bree, this is your grief talking.
Bree Van De Kamp: Reverend, if you don't back me up on this, so help me, I will pull the funeral out of your church!
Reverend Sikes: Bree!
Bree Van De Kamp: I am not kidding. I will go non-denominational so fast, it will make your head spin.

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"Desperate Housewives: There Is No Other Way (#2.16)" (2006)
Bree: [after Andrew tells her he hates her] The opposite of love isn't hate. It's indifference. And if you hate me, that means you still care, and we're still connected... and I still have a chance to set you right.

Bree: Perception is reality, Andrew. And if people perceive me to have a drinking problem, then I do. And I certainly don't want some idiotic judge using my hobby as an excuse to make you rich. So I'm simply going to give up my wine and become a recovering alcoholic.
Andrew Van De Kamp: Good plan, but it'll never work. See, I'll bet you still end up coming to court hammered.
Bree: Oh, Andrew, you don't think I love you enough to give up alcohol?
Andrew Van De Kamp: Look, I'm seventeen, all right? So, you can only keep me here for another year. Why not just let me go?
Bree: Because I'm not done with you yet. It's my job to teach you and you are not half the man I know you can be.
Andrew Van De Kamp: Yeah, well, I got news for you. This is as good as I'm gonna get.
Bree: If I really thought that, I'd get a gun right now and kill us both.

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"Desperate Housewives: Don't Look at Me (#2.19)" (2006)
[Bree has brought down a box of Andrew's porn]
Bree Van De Kamp: Oh, dad, I-I forgot to warn you. These are some of Andrew's adult videos. I don't approve, but boys will be boys.
[Henry files through the box of porn]
Eleanor Mason: Oh, Henry, stop looking at that filth.
Henry Mason: I don't get it. Where are the women?
Eleanor Mason: What are you talking about?
Henry Mason: This is all just a bunch of... naked men.
[Eleanor takes the magazine from Henry]
Eleanor Mason: Sweet mother of God. What the hell are they doing?
Henry Mason: I don't know, and I don't know what I'm even looking at.
Eleanor Mason: Henry, this is pornography for ho-homosexuals.
[Bree enters]
Bree Van De Kamp: Oh, shoot! I wish you hadn't gone through that. Now we have to have an unpleasant conversation, and we were having such a nice time.
Henry Mason: Bree, is... is Andrew... gay?
Bree Van De Kamp: Oh, dad, Andrew hates labels. I'm sure it's just a phase.
Eleanor Mason: Excuse me, but he has a magazine titled "Leather Daddies in Love." That does not sound like a phase to me.

Andrew Van De Kamp: Well, could you live with a woman who hits you?
Eleanor Mason: Bree!
Bree: Oh, I slapped him once and he deserved it!
Andrew Van De Kamp: I just asked her to stop drinking.
Henry Mason: You were drinking?
Eleanor Mason: She's in A.A. Her sponsor has long hair.
Bree: Andrew, I find your concern ironic given how tanked you were when you ran over our neighbor's mother with your car!
Eleanor Mason: Is she okay?!
Bree: She's dead!
Andrew Van De Kamp: Well, mom watched as her boyfriend committed suicide. And he was the same guy who killed dad!
Bree: Andrew falsely accused me of molestation...in a mall!

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"Desperate Housewives: One Wonderful Day (#1.23)" (2005)
Bree: [the doctor has just called to tell Bree that Rex is dead] No, no - of course. You did everything you could.
[Bree hangs up the phone, gracefully finishes cleaning her silverware... and then begins to cry uncontrollably]

Rex: Bree... I think I'm having a heart attack!
Bree: No, you're not!

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"Desperate Housewives: Pilot (#1.1)" (2004)
Rex: I can't believe you tried to kill me.
Bree: Yes, well, I feel badly about that.

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"Desperate Housewives: Suspicious Minds (#1.9)" (2004)
Bree: Danielle! How was school.
Danielle: It was okay.
Bree: Good. Where does Andrew keep his marijuana?

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"Desperate Housewives: Who's That Woman? (#1.4)" (2004)
Bree: [speaking to her son after she catches him in a strip club] Andrew, I'm curious. When you fantasize about this woman, do you ever stop to think how she came to be on this runway? That's someone's little girl. And that someone probably had a lot of dreams for her. Dreams that did not include a thong... and a pole...

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"Desperate Housewives: Thank You So Much (#2.15)" (2006)
Bree: Well, I didn't wanna come here because I was afraid it would drudge up memories of my husband. This was our place. Rex passed away recently. He was, um, murdered by our pharmacist.
Frank: Wow. I hope you changed pharmacists.
Bree: I didn't have to. He committed suicide.

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"Desperate Housewives: The Ladies Who Lunch (#1.16)" (2005)
Maisy Gibbons: [jailed for prostitution, she declines Bree's offer of a deal] I'm not interested... But you do get credit for one thing: you came to visit me, even it was for an ulterior motive. None of the other girls from the Club even bothered. I've been abandoned. Guess that's what happens when you become the town whore.
Bree: Oh, sweetie, they didn't abandon you because you're a whore, they abandoned you because you weren't all that nice to begin with.

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"Desperate Housewives: You Could Drive a Person Crazy (#2.2)" (2005)
[Phyllis has been crying all time since Rex's death and stealing all the attention from Bree]
Bree: For God's sake, Phyllis, don't you ever worry about dehydration?
Phyllis Van De Kamp: Are you saying that I am too emotional?
Bree: I'm saying that even Italians take a break now and again.

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"Desperate Housewives: Come Back to Me (#1.10)" (2004)
Bree: [to Rex, in the hospital, after a heart attack] I know you still love me. Maisy told me. As of this moment, Rex, I am no longer your wife. I am going to find the most vindictive lawyer I can find. And together, we will eviscerate you. I will take away your money, your family, and your dignity. And I am thrilled you still love me. Because I want what's going to happen to you to hurt as much as humanly possible. I'm just so glad you didn't die before I told you that.

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"Desperate Housewives: The Game (#4.3)" (2007)
Susan Mayer: When our babies go to college, we'll be like...
Bree Van De Kamp: Dead?

Carlos Solis Quotes + +

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"Desperate Housewives: God, That's Good (#3.19)" (2007)
Mike Delfino: [Mike walks into Carlos' room, Edie is hiding next to the door]
[whispering]
Mike Delfino: So uh... you got a girl in here?
Carlos Solis: No, why?
Mike Delfino: Because when I came home, I thought I heard sex noises.
Carlos Solis: Nah, that was just me!

Carlos Solis: Hey, I didn't say we had to stop. I just said we had to be quiet.
Edie Britt: What? I suppose we should tiptoe around like schoolchildren so our parents don't catch us doing it? I feel like I'm 12 again!
Carlos Solis: I'm just saying, I don't think that the whole world needs to know our... 12?

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Gabrielle: Why are all rich men such jerks?
Carlos: The same reason why all beautiful women are bitches.

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Carlos: Now they think I'm some kind of serial gay basher.
Gabrielle: Well...
[holds up police sketch]
Gabrielle: You kind of are.

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"Desperate Housewives: Not While I'm Around (#3.12)" (2007)
Carlos: I was worried until they brought out the crayons and kids' menu.

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"Desperate Housewives: Liaisons (#3.18)" (2007)
Carlos Solis: I'm sorry, I was on the phone to my cousin in Tucson and we always trade bad date stories.
Edie Britt: And to think I went out of my way to spare your feelings.
Carlos Solis: What's that supposed to mean?
Edie Britt: You think you were bored? I've had more thrills leaning up against my dryer.

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Lynette Scavo Quotes+ +

"Desperate Housewives: Bang (#3.7)" (2006)
Carolyn Bigsby: Don't look at me that way you know you wanted her dead.
Lynette Scavo: How can you say that?
Carolyn Bigsby: Well you told me about her and your husband after and I made it pretty clear where I stand on whores.
Lynette Scavo: I did not want this. Don't you dare say that I wanted this.
Carolyn Bigsby: Shut up!
Lynette Scavo: No I will not shup up! What's the matter with you?
Carolyn Bigsby: Have you not been paying attention, my husband cheated on me!
Lynette Scavo: Who cares! Who cares, we all have pain! Everyone in here has pain but we deal with it! We swallow it and get going with our lives. What we don't do is go around shooting strangers!
Carolyn Bigsby: She deserved it!
Lynette Scavo: Well maybe you deserved to be cheated on!

Mary Alice Young: [narrating] Lynette Scavo had a dream that night. It was one she had many times before.
Lynette Scavo: Hey! Mary-Alice, are you okay?
Mary Alice Young: Yes, thank you. I'm fine.
Lynette Scavo: Ok! I'll see you later!
Mary Alice Young: [narrating] But this night, something changed.
Lynette Scavo: No, you're not. I can tell. Please, tell me what's wrong. Let me save you.
Mary Alice Young: You can't.
Lynette Scavo: Why not?
Mary Alice Young: Sweety, we can't prevent what we can't predict!
Lynette Scavo: Isn't there anything I could do?
Mary Alice Young: Yes. You can enjoy this beautiful day. We get so few of them.
Mary Alice Young: [narrating] This was the last time Lynette would ever dream of me. And for her sake, I'm grateful.

Nora: [shot] "Kayla was the one thing I did good in my life. Promise me you'll take really good care of her."
Lynette Scavo: [nods]
Nora: Come on, I don't have all day.
Lynette Scavo: [crying] I will, I promise

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"Desperate Housewives: Everybody Says Don't (#2.18)" (2006)
Gabrielle: We were supposed to have four weeks. She promised me the baby wasn't due for four more weeks. We don't have anything! We don't, we don't have diapers, and we don't have the stuff babies drink.
Lynette: Formula.
Gabrielle: Exactly. We're not ready! You know, this is a total inconvenience.
Lynette: Welcome to parenthood. Come on.

Lynette: What is it? Teeth?
Felicia Tilman: Dentures. They were my dear sister, Martha's. I'm sure none of you knew, but she had orthodontic issues from the time she was a child.
Edie: Oh. Thank you.
Felicia Tilman: I know it's an unconventional gift for an engagement party, but you and Martha were such close friends, Edie. I wanted you to have something truly personal to remember her by since she left us so abruptly. You know, when Paul Young strangled her, crushed her windpipe, and buried her alive next to a garbage-strewn hiking trail.
Edie: Felicia, uh, I think you've had enough.
Felicia Tilman: I do apologize if I've offended anyone, but while you all are chit-chatting and eating these yummy hors d'oeuvres, just remember you're in the company of a murderer.

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"Desperate Housewives: Ah, But Underneath (#1.2)" (2004)
[after the kids bite and knock the beefy middle-aged woman over]
Lynette Scavo: Run, boys, run!

[a motorcycle cop pulls Lynette over]
Officer Hayes: License and registration, please.
[she hands them to him]
Officer Hayes: Ma'am, you know why I pulled you over?
[she looks at the kids in the back]
Lynette Scavo: I have a theory.
Officer Hayes: The kids were jumping up and down. They should be sitting, wearing their seatbelts.
Lynette Scavo: I yelled at them. They never listen to me. It's very frustrating.
Officer Hayes: Well, you have to find a way control them. After all, that's your job.
[he hands her the ticket and walks off]
Mary Alice Young: [narrating] Though he'd been a policeman for six years, Officer Hayes had never found himself in a truly dangerous situation. Then again, he had never before told a woman how to raise her children.
[Lynette furiously gets out of her car and slowly approaches Officer Hayes]
Lynette Scavo: Are you saying I'm a bad mother?
Officer Hayes: Ma'am, you need to get back in your car, please.
Lynette Scavo: I have no help. My husband's always away on business.
Officer Hayes: I'm gonna have to ask you to step back now.
Lynette Scavo: My babysitter joined the Witness Relocation Program! I haven't slept through the night...
[Officer Hayes slowly reaches for his gun]
Officer Hayes: Ma'am.
Lynette Scavo: ...in six years. And for you to stand there and judge me...
[she stands in front of Officer Hayes, who's terrified. He looks at the children, who are acting terrible]
Officer Hayes: OK. I'm not gonna give you a ticket. I'm just gonna let you off with a warning.
Lynette Scavo: I accept your apology.
[she takes the warning, sighs, and gets back in the car]
Officer Hayes: Buckle up.

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Ed Ferrara: At least you and Tom have a love life.
Lynette: Well, we do the best we can. Given the circumstances.
Ed Ferrara: Better than Fran and I. We're dead in that apartment. Ah, I don't wanna bore you with the details.
Lynette: I appreciate that. You know, Ed. I don't want to pry into your personal business, but if you are having problems in that area, you don't have to be resigned to it.
Ed Ferrara: What are you suggesting, hookers? No, Ed Ferrara doesn't pay for sex.

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"Desperate Housewives: Don't Look at Me (#2.19)" (2006)
Mrs. Pate: Yesterday afternoon, Parker offered a cookie to Cindy Lou Peeples if she would show him her vagina.
Lynette: What kind of cookie?
Mrs. Pate: What does that matter?
Lynette: Oh, it doesn't. I'm just stalling because I am completely mortified.

Karen McCluskey: Here's the big news. Parker offered me a fudgesicle if I would show him my vagina. Oh, good god, Lynette, relax. I didn't do it. I just got this out of the freezer a second ago.
Lynette: Uh, yeah. Of course, no, sorry.
Karen McCluskey: Apparently, Parker wanted to put a sunflower seed inside me and see if a baby would grow. Where do kids get this stuff?
Lynette: Oh, that was me. He was asking about the birds and the bees and I fudged a few of the details. Well, he's only seven years old. I don't think he needs to know everything yet. I don't wanna rob him of his innocence.
Karen McCluskey: Well, now, that's where you're wrong. You get 'em when they're young. Give 'em all the gory details. And then when they're good and disgusted, you shame 'em.
Lynette: Excuse me?
Karen McCluskey: You tell them sex is dirty and wrong and he shouldn't talk about it and if he does, he's going straight to hell.
Lynette: That is ridiculous.
Karen McCluskey: Spoken like a true liberal idiot.
Lynette: No, I am not going to shame my son.
Karen McCluskey: Mm, I'm telling ya, it works. It keeps people in their place, it keeps parents from being humiliated, and it keeps me from having to spend the afternoon talking about my woo-woo.

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"Desperate Housewives: There Won't Be Trumpets (#1.17)" (2005)
[Alisa Stevens is a deaf woman]
Alisa Stevens: Dennis left me.
Lynette: What?

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"Desperate Housewives: The Game (#4.3)" (2007)
Lynette: I’m a ninja!

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Orson Hodge Quotes+ +

"Desperate Housewives: Welcome to Kanagawa (#4.10)" (2008)
Orson Hodge: [about Andrew] He's here, he's queer, and we're used to it!

Orson Hodge: He's here, he's queer and we're ok with it!
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"Desperate Housewives: I Remember That (#3.14)" (2007)
Orson Hodge: Thank you, Mother, for colluding in my rape!...